Today's Reading
WHY WE ALL NEED A COACH TO GROW
I learned from the first management training program I taught that you can't tell people to change and expect them to comply. Everyone seems to know this, but knowing doesn't stop them from doing. Think of the times you tell others what to do because you think you are helping or saving time. As a teacher, I fall into this trap as well. If I am the wise elder they came to for enlightenment, why would I engage them in an interactive conversation where I would spend most of my time listening? Telling people what to do is a routine habit easily rationalized.
Unless someone begs you for direction and suggestions, you are wasting time dispensing wisdom.
From my research and experiences, I now know the reason why people persist in doing what they have always done no matter how good the trainer or book is because the brain would rather keep you in your comfort zone than take risks. The brain prefers to conjure rationalizations for repeating behavior instead of seeking reasons to continuously grow.
People safely live inside old stories based on past experiences because their brains prefer self-preservation over self-actualization.
Even when you attempt change, you rarely give up how you did things before. Carin Eriksson Lindvall, head of the Unit for Career and Leadership at Uppsala University in Sweden, said humans don't change habits and behaviors even when they have experienced undesirable results; most routines are never questioned. You may try to solve a problem by adding a suggested behavior, but when the change feels frustrating or awkward, you'll most likely go back to old routines, which take less brain power. She said, "By definition, routines are solutions to yesterday's problems, and they are freeing. They relieve us of having to think through every step we take." The brain doesn't like to work too hard, especially when the outcome is uncertain. Family therapist Virginia Satir reportedly said, "People prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty." When you don't have any past experiences indicating how to succeed in the present situation, the brain defaults to predicting failure. The fight-or-flight response kicks in, prompting you to resist or avoid taking the risks required to grow.
You have an operating system running continuously in the background of your brain throughout the day, so you rarely stop to deeply consider what you should do next. It relies on the past to give meaning to the moment (reality) and how you define yourself in relation to what you see (identity). It activates repeated patterns of behavior, including how to react to uncertainty.
Psychologist Dan McAdams of Northwestern University equated life narratives to personal myths. Although your stories do not support your best interest or unspoken desires when faced with current situations, he says these narratives provide a sense of consistency. Old goals, obsolete values, and outdated self-perception are the "core planks of a life narrative" that give you a false sense of security. The brain dodges the state of not knowing with convenient rationalizations. Yet accepting not knowing is an essential step to opening to what else is possible to move life forward. You have to quit knowing to start growing.
Often you will live by shoulds that keep you from what you most desire. Shoulds come from what we think our family, friends, managers, or society want us to do. Shoulds sometimes provide moral direction. Other times, blindly obeying shoulds makes us feel unfulfilled, irritated, or empty.
Most of us numbly spend our days repeating routines and behaviors without question. We live by the constructs and rules that have hardened over time.
You can't count on your brain to make the best decisions or help you understand what is causing your confusion when trying to sort your thoughts on your own. Self-reflection can lead to choosing an option for action, but you most likely will not go beyond the boundaries of the stories holding your perception of reality and identity in place.
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