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HOW COACHING OVERRULES THE PROTECTIVE BRAIN

Even when you know how your brain might keep you from acting in your best interest, it is difficult to coach yourself and nearly impossible if you have any emotions attached to the issue. Your brain will fool you into thinking you are objectively thinking when you aren't even close. Mark Leary said in his article "The Case For Being Skeptical of Yourself," "The real world and our interpretations of it are fused so tightly that we rarely realize how deeply our perceptions of reality are tainted by our beliefs, self-views, perspectives, and life experiences." No matter how much you want something, you can't separate your brain's current version of reality from what else is possible.

To see the world and yourself differently, you need help extracting the stories defining your perspective to examine and change them if needed. You can't do this on your own; your attempts at objective contemplation trigger your brain to resist what feels uncomfortable. Neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga said we get stuck in our automatic thought-processing and fool ourselves into thinking we are acting consciously and willfully. You then stay safe—and stuck.

Gazzaniga also said that if you have an external thought disruptor—someone who reflects your words, expressed emotions, contradictions, and what seems to be the source of your hesitations—you can detach and view your stories as if they were a movie to be observed and analyzed. An external thought disrupter doesn't tell you to think differently. The disruption comes from concise reflective statements and curious questions that stimulate you to examine the thinking patterns and frameworks directing your decisions, overriding the protective brain. The insights you gain from external thought disruption disrupt your brain's operating system, allowing you to consciously and willfully decide what is best for you right now.

A good coach is a skillful thought disrupter. Using a respectful coaching approach breaks through the frames of your stories. Your perspective of yourself and the dilemma you are experiencing expands. Options appear. The choice you have been wanting to make all along shines through. Instead of feeling you will come out as a loser if you give up your beliefs, you see what's in it for you to gain.

Educational reformer John Dewey said, "Provoking people to think about their thinking is the single most powerful antidote to erroneous beliefs and autopilot." Reality is persistent, but when a coach breaks through the frames of your stories, the emerging insights expand what is possible, affecting your decisions, actions, and life.

Dewey also said the most intelligent people need the most help thinking about their thinking. Smart people are the best rationalizers. They believe their reasoning wholeheartedly and will protect their opinions as solid facts. Telling them to change is a waste of time. Using strong reflections and questions is the only way to get smart people to question their thoughts.

 

CREATING BREAKTHROUGH MOMENTS USING A COACHING APPROACH

You don't have to be a trained coach to use a coaching approach that breaks through someone's automatic rationalizing and imaginary outcomes. If you feel compassionately curious with a sincere desire to understand how a person thinks, your presence soothes their fear of judgment. They sense you are there for their higher good and may feel safe enough to respond to the reflections you share and the questions you ask. If they have moments of hesitation or resistance, and you don't negatively react to their emotions, their mental fog will clear enough to see a step they can take toward achieving their desired outcome.

Even if you simply summarize their spoken thoughts and then ask questions about what their words mean, they may begin to wonder why they think the way they do. Maintaining your presence and curiosity is more important than trying to be profound. Your caring curiosity provides the safety they need to explore how their words represent their thoughts with you.

Their insights may trigger an emotional response. The first time a person sees with unfiltered clarity how their behavior and decisions have impacted their life can be an unpleasant and upsetting experience. A painful realization is a healthy part of the process.

You may have heard of the saying "No pain, no gain" when it comes to physical training. The saying can also be applied to mental growth. Discomfort is evidence that a new awareness is forming.

When you give people a moment to process what they now see with kindhearted silence, their emotional reaction will subside. When you sense they are settling down, you can ask them if they would share what they now see. Painful, embarrassing, and heart-wrenching realizations may be inevitable, but with coaching, most people feel lighter and optimistic after experiencing a lightbulb moment and talking through what the new awareness means to them.

When you refrain from judging or trying to fix people when they are emotionally processing their new way of seeing, they see beyond their stories, their limiting beliefs, and the conflicts created by their shoulds, opening to what else is possible to think and do. When they articulate the insight they had and what action they will take next, you have facilitated the breakthrough process. As they see themselves and their situations in a new light, they not only feel more confident to implement decisions and actions but also they are excited to take risks and move forward.